Geezer succeeds in playing gadget game, looking foolish
Donald, a 69-year-old contestant on The Amazing Race, took part in a Japanese challenge this week that required the ability to manipulate various technological items. After countless hours of instruction and training, Donald succeeded in locating the power button.
“It was so dang small,” he claims. “How’s anyone supposed to find that thing?”
The challenge called for racers to use a cell phone to control a soccer-playing robot. Each team member needed to score a goal in order to advance in the race.
“I pushed the doohickey that made him walk, then hit the kicking thingamabob, but the darn thing just wouldn’t work!” he cries, spittle flying everywhere. “Back in my day, we kicked our own balls, thank you very much!”
Several days later, Donald completed the task. He was immediately rushed to a nearby hospital, requiring oxygen and an IV drip.
“I didn’t expect it to be so hard,” he gasps. “I thought I had a handle on the gizmos of today. I have an internet. I play Myspace. I look at the Google. I know what I’m doing! Watch, I can call the nurse with this button.”
“Consarn it!” he cries as the Craftmatic adjustable bed whirs out of control. “Nicolas, stop this crazy thing!”
~TVoD
Posted in Amazing Race on January 8th, 2008 | | 0 Comments
Tyra Banks’ spinoff show a steamy success
Viewers of the popular reality program America’s Next Top Model were surprised to find that a new series had premiered, mid-season, in place of their favorite show. The new series features the contestants from ANTM’s current season, but in a much different capacity. As illustrated on the pilot this past Wednesday, contestants will no longer vie for the title of America’s Next Top Model, but rather America’s Next Top Whore.
“We started out this season of America’s Next Top Model with a lot of fresh ideas and a commitment to take a stand on hot-button issues such as smoking, green living, and healthy body images,” says creator and host Tyra Banks. “But once Enrique Iglesias showed up, we decided that it would be best to throw all that out the window and start from scratch as a competition to see who could be the biggest slut. It’s CAARAAAZY!”
The pilot featured a challenge in which the girls were to appear in racy music video. After a lesson from Tyra Banks on how to maximize smuttiness by salaciously smearing their bodies against a wall and crawling across the floor like drunken prostitutes, the strumpets were ready to move on to the next step. Not by donning more clothes, however. The tramps-in-training were led onto the set of the video, where they were dressed in various shreds of leather that barely constituted actual human clothing and placed in rooms that contained such props as chains and handcuffs. The hopeful top whores were then required to perform erotic dances on camera, and on Iglesias.
“It was a dream come true,” says contestant Ambreal. “I’ve always wanted to gyrate against a pole wearing a dominatrix costume in a bondage porn flick. I think it’s really going to launch my career. Hi Mom!”
The change in format comes as a surprise to many, especially since Tyra Banks often scolds her harlots for posing too “hoochily” at their photo shoots. Surprisingly, Banks even derided Ambreal for that very reason in the pilot. However, producers are now blaming that on an editing gaffe.
“Our mistake. Tyra meant to say that she wasn’t hoochy enough. How weird would it be if, after personally training the trollops on how to obscenely flaunt their naked bodies in various lewd and licentious poses, Tyra were to reprimand them for being sluts? That just wouldn’t make any sense. It would damage the integrity of the show.”
Banks promises more exciting challenges throughout the season. In the weeks to come, the hussies will be required to learn the proper use of a stripper pole, perform lap dances for the International Olympic Committee, and solicit sex in exchange for money.
~TVoD
Posted in America's Next Top Model on November 8th, 2007 | | 1 Comments
Thwarts prison escapees, sunbathers
Panama, known throughout the world as “The Land Of No Clouds”, was host to a rare occurrence early this week. A single cumulus formation made its way across the sky, bringing terror and inconvenience to the otherwise constantly sunny nation.
“I pulled the kids right out of school,” says local fisherman Edward Cordio. “It was a truly historic event. We took several pictures.”
The cloud’s arrival couldn’t have come at a worse time for prison breakers Michael Scofield and James Whistler, whose escape plans were ruined by the ill-timed weather.
“That goddamn cloud,” Scofield reportedly said. “I’m going to kill it and everything it holds dear.” He then threw a chicken foot to the ground and continued to yell nonsensical threats towards the heavens.
Scientists say that it is unlikely that the cloud will return. Others believe that there might be a small chance, possibly right around February sweeps.
~TVoD
Posted in Prison Break on November 6th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Unruly coif threatens to take over the world
Scientists say that the most immediate threat to American civilization is neither global warming nor the dreaded Shanti virus, but rather the relentless growth of the hair of Nathan Petrelli.
“A year ago, this wasn’t even a discernible issue,” says scientist Dr. Martin Van Hoof. “Petrelli’s hair was neatly styled and impeccably groomed. The situation was under control. Unfortunately, times have changed, and now we have a real problem on our hands.”
Hope had arisen a few weeks ago, when Petrelli finally managed to shave off the afro-like beard that, at times, resembled a dead animal. But the frenzied mane on top of his head has proven to be even more resilient, exploding at a rate that frightens many experts.
“He’s not a Yeti,” says Van Hoof. “But we still haven’t ruled out werewolf.”
Authorities believe that, if left unattended, the rogue locks could burst into apocalyptic proportions, first consuming New York City, then spreading across the country and, eventually, the entire world.
“We’re sending in some military-grade mousse and an emergency comb,” says Van Hoof. “But I don’t really see a way out of this, unless we’re somehow able to recruit a competent team of superhuman crimefighters to save the world. I’m not optimistic.”
~TVoD
Posted in Heroes on November 6th, 2007 | | 2 Comments
Delightful asses far more entertaining than mere vehicles
Following an outpouring of favorable reactions to the premiere of Season 12 of The Amazing Race, producers quickly rushed to get word of their new concept out to viewers: From now on, donkeys will be the only method of transit from one place to another for the rest of the season, and, perhaps, the entire series.
“Those donkeys were the most exciting thing I’ve seen in years,” says viewer Don Hathaway. “The drama, the terror, the suspense! Would they walk, or would they continue to stand still and drive their teams to insanity? I was on the edge of my seat!”
The episode’s challenge required teams to load up their donkeys with peat moss and gently lead them up a hill, where they would be rewarded with their next clue. (The teams, not the donkeys. The donkeys were reportedly rewarded with hay.) Unfortunately, for some teams, the donkeys had other plans. Their stubbornness, which for some reason came as a surprise to some of the more mentally-challenged contestants, contributed to the downfall of several teams, even resulting in the much-welcomed elimination of screechy racers Ari and Staella.
“With a car, you know what to expect,” says producer Nate Summers. “Sometimes it breaks down, but generally speaking, it’ll get you where you need to go. The same can be said for trains, buses, subways, boats, taxis, pedicabs, rickshaws, and tuk-tuks. It’s when you bring live animals into the fray, that’s when you get good television.”
Therefore, with the exception of a limited number of flights, contestants will now be racing around the world atop a plucky yet unpredictable crew of donkeys. Producers are confident that the resulting chaos will be nothing short of riveting.
“We’ll vary it up a little, to keep it even more interesting,” says Summers. “Blindfolded donkeys, pregnant donkeys, drunken donkeys. We could throw also a camel in there somewhere. Maybe a shark or two. The possibilities are endless.”
~TVoD
Posted in Amazing Race on November 6th, 2007 | | 1 Comments
Cremated remains are a constant source of entertainment
Dr. Meredith Grey brought a Ziplock bag full of her dead mother to work the other day, and her fellow colleagues couldn’t have been more pleased.
“Thank God,” said Dr. Miranda Bailey. “I couldn’t take one more moment of that girl’s constant whining and wincing. Luckily, that bag showed up, and the hospital was simply transformed by its delightful antics.”
The seemingly drab pile of ashes were a hot-button topic throughout various departments of the hospital. Dr. Derek Shepherd was lucky enough to encounter the remains in the hallway.
“When I saw Meredith coming towards me, I was just about to turn and run in the opposite direction,” he says. “But then I noticed that she had something in her hand, which she subsequently dropped all over the floor. As I helped her pick it up, I realized how quirky and wonderful it was that Mrs. Grey was able to make it back into work, after all these years. And her sense of humor hasn’t changed a bit. Playfully throwing herself all over the ground like that - simply charming.”
“Meredith was, of course, shitting all over our special moment together, what with her talking and all that squinting,” he says bitterly. “But it’s still something I’ll never forget.”
Meredith was pleased with the reception her deceased mother received, so much so that she is considering bringing her stepmother’s embalmed corpse to work next week, despite the fact that it might considerably upset her half-sister, Lexy.
~TVoD
Posted in Grey's Anatomy on October 31st, 2007 | | 0 Comments
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