The word “fierce,” (adj. 1. of a violently cruel nature; savage; wild) was retired from the English language last night after Christian Siriano, winner of Project Runway 4, used it approximately 6,284 times, thereby exceeding the limit and prompting its retraction.

“Our studies show that ‘fierce’ has been spoken with more frequency than perennial favorites ‘a’, ‘the’, and ‘fabulous,’” says Noah Webster, of dictionary fame. “With 70% of such utterances verbalized by Siriano and Tyra Banks alone.”

Many object to the ruling, believing that the word has not been given an ample chance to express its true meaning.

“Let’s face it: I’M fierce,” says dominant male lion Duke, of the San Diego Zoo. “I’ve escaped three times, killed five men with my bare paws, and eviscerated a small child.”

“If that’s not fierce, I don’t know what is,” he adds. “Silken ruffles, my ass.”

~TVoD

Viewers of the popular television show Lost were shocked after last week’s episode, wherein a major part of the plot was clearly and explicitly explained in a way that anyone could understand, even fair-weather fans have who have never played the online Lost alternate reality game or spent countless hours deciphering jumbled audio tracks.

“I watch Lost every week, and I always thought there might be some sort of time-travel thing going on,” says loyal viewer Dan Brenner. “But I never thought they’d just come right out and admit to it like that, let alone explain it thoroughly, complete with lab-rat-in-a-maze examples.”

Lost is known for its convoluted plotlines, obscure references, and ability to leave entire audiences scratching their heads, sometimes for years at a time.

“Remember that four-toed statue thing?” Brenner continues. “What the hell was that all about?”

This groundbreaking development has led many to speculate that Lost will begin to clear up other mysterious elements, though others believe that such a frank explanation is a one-time-deal.

“They’re never going to resolve that smoke monster,” says Brenner. “Ben doesn’t even know what it is.”

Despite such frustration, Brenner claims to remain firmly committed to the show. “I’ve briefly considered going back to school and getting my Ph.D., if only to decipher the various philosophical implications of the island,” he says. “I can’t just rely on the message boards and Wikipedia nerds forever.”

~TVoD

Human rights organization AETP took to the streets today after last night’s controversial Project Runway airing. The episode, part one of the two-part season finale, featured flamboyant designer Chris March showcasing his collection, which included several pieces utilizing human hair as trim.

“This is unacceptable,” stated Sparky Tubbington, AETP’s spokespug. “Humans are friendly, loving, innocent creatures who don’t deserve this kind of sick abuse.”

AETP has officially vowed to boycott Project Runway and the entire Bravo network until it issues a formal apology.

“By allowing Chris March to express himself creatively, Bravo and Project Runway are condoning these deplorable practices,” claims Sparky. “We need to speak up for the humans who can’t speak for themselves.” Sparky then declined further comment by licking his testicles.

AETP picketed in various locations around New York City, most notably outside the Parsons School of Design and throughout the Fashion District. Protesters carried signs and chanted slogans all day long, except for a period of about twenty minutes wherein the group collectively chased a squirrel down the street. They vow to continue the campaign again tomorrow after a brisk walk and a healthy poop.

~TVoD

A visibly frustrated Mark Burnett lamented the challenge of painting the “Fans” tribe of this year’s Survivor season in favorable light last week after more douchebaggery abounded amongst the squabbling contestants.

“They’re just really annoying,” Burnett whines. “And ugly,” he shudders. “So very, very ugly.”

The reality pioneer was angered further when the Airai tribe won immunity this week, as this meant that none of the hideous members would be forced to leave.

“Dammit!” he cried when hearing of the results. “Couldn’t Probst have thrown a coconut at one of them? ‘Accidentally’ tear an ACL or two?”

The Airai tribe is made of ardent enthusiasts of the show, proving the theory that true Survivor fanatics really are as troll-like as most people imagine.

“I thought this might be a fun idea,” Burnett says, rubbing his eyes. “But for once, I guess I was wrong.”

“Oh, well,” he adds, driving away in a cement truck full of money, “They can’t all be winners.”

~TVoD

“There was very little that I or any other mortal could have done to stop her,” Darrow claims.

It has been reported that Banks was able to gnaw through the titanium alloy enclosure, decapitate several armed guards, and steal a prom dress and a tiara all within the space of twenty-four hours. She then ran amok down the streets of Los Angeles, terrorizing citizens while at the same time delighting tourists.

“She’s so awesome!” exclaimed fifteen-year-old Jennie Powell of Cleveland, Ohio as Banks devoured a power line. “I want to be just like her!”

Darrow alleges that Banks escaped with the intention of hosting the season premiere of Cycle 10 of America’s Next Top Model. Despite Darrow’s heroic attempts to bring down the feral creature with a tranquilizer cannon, National Guard authorities claim that such a responsibility can no longer be entrusted to a mere civilian.

“I spent the better part of my career trying to tame that beast,” Darrow sighs. “And what do I have to show for it? Thirty-seven stitches and a curling iron to the eye. It’s time to move on with my life,” he mutters, adding, “Lohan out of rehab yet?”

~TVoD

Playboy founder and media mogul Hugh Heftner was deeply hurt by Celebrity Apprentice candidate Tiffany Fallon’s failure to call him in her time of need. While other celebrities contacted their richest acquaintances to donate money for charity in the guise of purchasing hot dogs, Tiffany neglected to get Hefner on the horn.

“I’m a delight!” he claims. “Why didn’t she call?”

Tiffany insisted that she had every intention of calling upon Hefner to help, but that she wanted to save that call for later on in the game.

“Oh, bullshit,” he says. “She thinks I’m old and crusty. Is that it? It’s this robe I never take off, isn’t it? What does this stain look like to you?”

Tiffany has publicly apologized to Hefner, but he refuses to accept, saying that he no longer considers her a friend.

“I thought that the naked women I pay to take their clothes off and pose nude for nationwide publications liked me for me. But I guess not,” he sobs. “That harlot! She’ll never work in this town again!”

“I really wanted a hot dog, too,” he hiccups.

~TVoD

“It was so dang small,” he claims. “How’s anyone supposed to find that thing?”

The challenge called for racers to use a cell phone to control a soccer-playing robot. Each team member needed to score a goal in order to advance in the race.

“I pushed the doohickey that made him walk, then hit the kicking thingamabob, but the darn thing just wouldn’t work!” he cries, spittle flying everywhere. “Back in my day, we kicked our own balls, thank you very much!”

Several days later, Donald completed the task. He was immediately rushed to a nearby hospital, requiring oxygen and an IV drip.

“I didn’t expect it to be so hard,” he gasps. “I thought I had a handle on the gizmos of today. I have an internet. I play Myspace. I look at the Google. I know what I’m doing! Watch, I can call the nurse with this button.”

“Consarn it!” he cries as the Craftmatic adjustable bed whirs out of control. “Nicolas, stop this crazy thing!”

~TVoD

Viewers of the popular reality program America’s Next Top Model were surprised to find that a new series had premiered, mid-season, in place of their favorite show. The new series features the contestants from ANTM’s current season, but in a much different capacity. As illustrated on the pilot this past Wednesday, contestants will no longer vie for the title of America’s Next Top Model, but rather America’s Next Top Whore.

“We started out this season of America’s Next Top Model with a lot of fresh ideas and a commitment to take a stand on hot-button issues such as smoking, green living, and healthy body images,” says creator and host Tyra Banks. “But once Enrique Iglesias showed up, we decided that it would be best to throw all that out the window and start from scratch as a competition to see who could be the biggest slut. It’s CAARAAAZY!”

The pilot featured a challenge in which the girls were to appear in racy music video. After a lesson from Tyra Banks on how to maximize smuttiness by salaciously smearing their bodies against a wall and crawling across the floor like drunken prostitutes, the strumpets were ready to move on to the next step. Not by donning more clothes, however. The tramps-in-training were led onto the set of the video, where they were dressed in various shreds of leather that barely constituted actual human clothing and placed in rooms that contained such props as chains and handcuffs. The hopeful top whores were then required to perform erotic dances on camera, and on Iglesias.

“It was a dream come true,” says contestant Ambreal. “I’ve always wanted to gyrate against a pole wearing a dominatrix costume in a bondage porn flick. I think it’s really going to launch my career. Hi Mom!”

The change in format comes as a surprise to many, especially since Tyra Banks often scolds her harlots for posing too “hoochily” at their photo shoots. Surprisingly, Banks even derided Ambreal for that very reason in the pilot. However, producers are now blaming that on an editing gaffe.

“Our mistake. Tyra meant to say that she wasn’t hoochy enough. How weird would it be if, after personally training the trollops on how to obscenely flaunt their naked bodies in various lewd and licentious poses, Tyra were to reprimand them for being sluts? That just wouldn’t make any sense. It would damage the integrity of the show.”

Banks promises more exciting challenges throughout the season. In the weeks to come, the hussies will be required to learn the proper use of a stripper pole, perform lap dances for the International Olympic Committee, and solicit sex in exchange for money.

~TVoD

Panama, known throughout the world as “The Land Of No Clouds”, was host to a rare occurrence early this week. A single cumulus formation made its way across the sky, bringing terror and inconvenience to the otherwise constantly sunny nation.

“I pulled the kids right out of school,” says local fisherman Edward Cordio. “It was a truly historic event. We took several pictures.”

The cloud’s arrival couldn’t have come at a worse time for prison breakers Michael Scofield and James Whistler, whose escape plans were ruined by the ill-timed weather.

“That goddamn cloud,” Scofield reportedly said. “I’m going to kill it and everything it holds dear.” He then threw a chicken foot to the ground and continued to yell nonsensical threats towards the heavens.

Scientists say that it is unlikely that the cloud will return. Others believe that there might be a small chance, possibly right around February sweeps.

~TVoD

Scientists say that the most immediate threat to American civilization is neither global warming nor the dreaded Shanti virus, but rather the relentless growth of the hair of Nathan Petrelli.

“A year ago, this wasn’t even a discernible issue,” says scientist Dr. Martin Van Hoof. “Petrelli’s hair was neatly styled and impeccably groomed. The situation was under control. Unfortunately, times have changed, and now we have a real problem on our hands.”

Hope had arisen a few weeks ago, when Petrelli finally managed to shave off the afro-like beard that, at times, resembled a dead animal. But the frenzied mane on top of his head has proven to be even more resilient, exploding at a rate that frightens many experts.

“He’s not a Yeti,” says Van Hoof. “But we still haven’t ruled out werewolf.”

Authorities believe that, if left unattended, the rogue locks could burst into apocalyptic proportions, first consuming New York City, then spreading across the country and, eventually, the entire world.

“We’re sending in some military-grade mousse and an emergency comb,” says Van Hoof. “But I don’t really see a way out of this, unless we’re somehow able to recruit a competent team of superhuman crimefighters to save the world. I’m not optimistic.”

~TVoD