Rival tribe just too creepy
A visibly frustrated Mark Burnett lamented the challenge of painting the “Fans” tribe of this year’s Survivor season in favorable light last week after more douchebaggery abounded amongst the squabbling contestants.
“They’re just really annoying,” Burnett whines. “And ugly,” he shudders. “So very, very ugly.”
The reality pioneer was angered further when the Airai tribe won immunity this week, as this meant that none of the hideous members would be forced to leave.
“Dammit!” he cried when hearing of the results. “Couldn’t Probst have thrown a coconut at one of them? ‘Accidentally’ tear an ACL or two?”
The Airai tribe is made of ardent enthusiasts of the show, proving the theory that true Survivor fanatics really are as troll-like as most people imagine.
“I thought this might be a fun idea,” Burnett says, rubbing his eyes. “But for once, I guess I was wrong.”
“Oh, well,” he adds, driving away in a cement truck full of money, “They can’t all be winners.”
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on February 26th, 2008 | | 0 Comments
Survivor episode masterfully inserts commercials into show without detection
On a recent episode of Survivor, certain products were embedded into the episode so seamlessly that even the most eagle-eyed of viewers could not spot them.
“I know how Survivor sometimes comes off as a little heavy-handed in terms of placing blatant commercials into the show,” says television critic Anne Stikton. “But I wasn’t able to catch a single reference to any American products this episode. Well done, CBS.”
The reward challenge winners earned a free trip to an ancient, hidden Chinese spa known for thousands of years as the Charmin Teahouse. While there, they were lavished with luxurious, native Chinese products, such as Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper and Crest toothpaste.
“I really appreciated the efforts of the natives to introduce us to their culture,” says Todd, a member of Fei Long, the winning tribe. “The way they stacked the rolls of toilet paper in a pyramid-shaped display that is both pleasing to the eye and popular among retail marketers - it’s amazing to witness a cultural tradition like that, one that’s been passed down from generation to generation.”
He wipes a tear away with a square of Ultra Strong and smiles, his teeth glistening with a sheen that only Crest can provide. “It was beautiful.”
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on October 31st, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Miraculous sighting takes place in China
Survivor contestants were treated to a rare occurrence this past Thursday with a brief but definite sighting of a virgin. Witnesses say that it emerged from the depths of a shallow pool to converse with the locals, then disappeared just as quickly.
“I was totally shocked,” says Survivor contestant Jamie. “I’ve heard stories, of course, but no one ever really believes them to be true.”
Scientists say that the virgin has curly brown hair and a boyishly charming smile. Producers of the hit reality show claim that the virgin is actually a contestant named Erik who belongs to the Zhan Hu tribe, but none of the other contestants on either team have ever seen or heard of him.
“I hope he comes back,” says Jamie. “I’m sure I can manipulate his virginity in some way or another. Plus, he’s kind of cute.”
“I think it’s good for the show,” says host Jeff Probst. “We’ve never had a virgin before. It’ll be interesting to see if the sluts and sleazebags merely shun him, or slaughter him as a bloody sacrifice to the gods of the mountain. Either way, it sure is great television.”
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on October 24th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
China, apparently, is exactly how everyone imagines it to be
This week’s episode of Survivor confirmed to American audiences that China is in no way misrepresented through the media or any other cultural stereotypes. The typical, standard images associated with the Red Giant have once and for all been certified as authentic.
“I had thought that China was all chopsticks and giant woks and fireworks,” claims area gas station attendant Rick Archer after viewing a Survivor challenge featuring chopsticks, giant woks, and fireworks. “Turns out, I was right!”
In addition to traditional New Year’s festivities and giant comical eating utensils, Survivor also features cut-away shots of adorable animals typically associated with China. Pandas, monkeys, exotic birds, even praying mantises - all make frequent appearances on the weekly reality show.
“I had always wanted to plan a trip to China to see the stunning land and beautiful people for myself,” says area retiree Annette Fairweather. “But now that I know all of my prior expectations are accurate, I don’t see the need!”
Due to favorable American reviews, Survivor producers plan to continue the trend. Upcoming episodes will include even more blatant yet completely accurate cultural features, such as a Fortune Cookie Immunity Idol, and a Reward Challenge wherein contestants must bind each other’s feet.
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on October 15th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Jean-Robert’s unconventional proposal whole-heartedly endorsed by producers
JIANGXI, CHINA - At the suggestion of Survivor contestant Jean-Robert, producers of the hit CBS show will now be giving away a new grand prize to the game’s victor. Prior to this season, the winner of the popular reality program received $1 million and a free car. Starting with the finale of Survivor:China, the winner will now receive $1 million and a free prostitute.
“A million dollars after taxes ends up being not much at all,” contestant James states. “But a free prostitute - that’s the gift that keeps on giving.”
The winner may specify the gender of the prostitute, but minor details, such as hair color, weight, or special acrobatic abilities, will be determined at the discretion of the producers. Furthermore, since the grand prize clearly stipulates that the winner only receive “some” ass, the prostitute will only be available to the winner for a period of six months.
“That’s still better than a car,” Jean-Robert, the idea factory behind the change, states. “I already have three cars. But I only have two STDs, and I’d like to see that figure improve.”
Producers originally planned to just call up an escort service to find the grand prize, but are now considering pitching a reality show that will chronicle the search for the lucky whore or man whore.
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on October 2nd, 2007 | | 0 Comments