Thwarts prison escapees, sunbathers

Panama, known throughout the world as “The Land Of No Clouds”, was host to a rare occurrence early this week. A single cumulus formation made its way across the sky, bringing terror and inconvenience to the otherwise constantly sunny nation.

“I pulled the kids right out of school,” says local fisherman Edward Cordio. “It was a truly historic event. We took several pictures.”

The cloud’s arrival couldn’t have come at a worse time for prison breakers Michael Scofield and James Whistler, whose escape plans were ruined by the ill-timed weather.

“That goddamn cloud,” Scofield reportedly said. “I’m going to kill it and everything it holds dear.” He then threw a chicken foot to the ground and continued to yell nonsensical threats towards the heavens.

Scientists say that it is unlikely that the cloud will return. Others believe that there might be a small chance, possibly right around February sweeps.

~TVoD

Posted in Prison Break on November 6th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Prison Break episode marks chaotic device’s final conquest

EMPs, or electromagnetic pulses, have infiltrated the plot of every show on television. With Michael Scofield’s construction of an EMP out of a microwave, aluminum foil, and a handful of shoelaces, the popular weapon has resurfaced yet again in a move that surprises no one.

“You can’t escape EMPs” says electromagnetic bomb enthusiast Mark Flanagan. “They’re devious, they’re exciting, and their effects are cheap to produce. Most of your standard Hollywood action scenes require planning, money, and a hell of a lot of explosives. With an EMP bomb, all you gotta do is get some intern to flick the lights on and off.”

Other notable appearances by the EMP include Season 4 of 24 and Season 1 of Jericho. It was also used as a key element in the movie Ocean’s Eleven, wherein it knocked the power out of a casino and allowed the thieves to proceed with their robbery. While the popular film is not yet a television show, Flanagan seems to think that the EMP could catapult the heist caper onto the small screen.

“That Don Cheadle is hilarious,” he says.

Due to the apparently simple construction of an EMP, viewers can expect them to pop up on more television shows in the future. Last week a rogue audience member hastily constructed an EMP bomb out of empty lipstick canisters and leftover Botox on the set of The View in order to blow out the ladies’ microphones and “silence their infernal prattling”. The relative ease with which this was accomplished proves that anything is possible.

~TVoD

Posted in Prison Break on October 24th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Decapitated craniums must now be sent through the United States Postal Service

ATLANTA, GA - Following reports of the transport and delivery of several severed human heads, UPS has developed a firm but fair policy intended to take the bloody and disturbing remains out of their pipeline and put them back into the hands of the federal government.

“We thought we had a handle on this,” said UPS Director of Publicity Lance Caldwell. “But it has become increasingly clear that we are in a little over our heads.”

The new policy is the indirect result of a complaint filed by Lincoln Burrows, who received a not-so-pleasant surprise while on vacation in Panama City, Panama.

“LINC NO LIKE HEAD BOX!” was the report, in its entirety.

Officials traced the offending parcel back to a woman who would only refer to herself as Susan B. Anthony.

“UPS was always my preferred carrier for body-part-related packages,” she explains. “The website was easy to use, their customer service representatives were friendly and attentive, and their sturdy cardboard boxes were always great at containing the vast quantities of blood. I’m saddened by their new policy, but I understand the sort of liability that can go along with these types of deliveries.”

UPS dealt with a similar situation after the head of a California detective’s wife was improperly delivered to a desert in the middle of nowhere, instead of directly to the detective’s home. Though this led to the death of an unnamed mass murder, police say that had the package arrived at its intended destination, repackaging fees could have been avoided.

~TVoD

Posted in Prison Break on October 7th, 2007 | | 0 Comments