Scientists say that the most immediate threat to American civilization is neither global warming nor the dreaded Shanti virus, but rather the relentless growth of the hair of Nathan Petrelli.

“A year ago, this wasn’t even a discernible issue,” says scientist Dr. Martin Van Hoof. “Petrelli’s hair was neatly styled and impeccably groomed. The situation was under control. Unfortunately, times have changed, and now we have a real problem on our hands.”

Hope had arisen a few weeks ago, when Petrelli finally managed to shave off the afro-like beard that, at times, resembled a dead animal. But the frenzied mane on top of his head has proven to be even more resilient, exploding at a rate that frightens many experts.

“He’s not a Yeti,” says Van Hoof. “But we still haven’t ruled out werewolf.”

Authorities believe that, if left unattended, the rogue locks could burst into apocalyptic proportions, first consuming New York City, then spreading across the country and, eventually, the entire world.

“We’re sending in some military-grade mousse and an emergency comb,” says Van Hoof. “But I don’t really see a way out of this, unless we’re somehow able to recruit a competent team of superhuman crimefighters to save the world. I’m not optimistic.”

~TVoD

The New York State Office of Children and Family Services has been alerted to a rather troubling situation. Molly Walker, an orphaned child originally from Los Angeles, California, has been living with strangers ever since the death of her parents, in what police are assuming to be a hostage situation.

“This is a kidnapping, plain and simple,” states Officer Hugh Williams. “We don’t know what these two yahoos are playing at, but they clearly took the girl without any regard for state law or standard adoption procedures.”

The men have been identified as Dr. Mohinder Suresh, a genetics professor originally from India, and Matt Parkman, who is, ironically, an NYPD detective. According to authorities, Molly is in no small amount of danger.

“It’s been reported that Molly lost consciousness a few days ago. We believe that one or both of her captors are directly responsible for this, and we’re doing everything within our power to rescue the child.”

Neighbors describe the suspects as quiet and private. “They keep to themselves, mostly.” retired fisherman Abraham Patterson states. “I met one of them once. The fellow with the crazy hair. He seemed like quite the fruitcake! They’re both gayer than a maypole, in my opinion. And every night I hear that poor girl screaming. God only knows what they’re doing to her.”

The Office of Children and Family Services admits that they “really dropped the ball on this one” and promise to “tell Gladys to make some more copies of those adoption forms, pronto.”

~TVoD

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hurricane Katrina, the catastrophic 2005 storm that wreaked havoc on the entire Gulf Coast and caused almost 2,000 fatalities, turns out to have been a blessing in disguise for the American television industry. Writers have eagerly pounced upon the disaster, utilizing it as a plotline almost as often as surprise pregnancies and missing nuclear bombs.

One prime example is the gritty crime drama K-Ville, which chronicles the daily lives of cops living in post-Katrina New Orleans. Heroes has supplied another notable instance with the introduction of the Dawson family, a small but optimistic clan of survivors who have lost everything and are desperately depending on the sole breadwinner, an ambitious and mysteriously gifted girl named Monica, to grant them a better life.

“We didn’t want it to get too preachy,” states Heroes writer Sean Ericson. “So we limited the Katrina-strife dialogue to only 40% of the episode.”

With Katrina survivors making the rounds on other popular television programs such as House and Extreme Home Makeover (no affiliation), it looks like this trend is here to stay. Other shows are already trying to squeeze Katrina characters into as many plotlines as they can, no matter how illogical the fit.

“Word on the street is that a New Orleans jazz man, having been swept out to sea in the hurricane, is going to wash up on the shores of the island during the season premiere of Lost.” claims television gossip columnist Anita Kanigan. “I also heard that a bedraggled family of refugees will somehow end up on the main deck of Battlestar Galactica. Plus, ever since Kanye West claimed that George Bush hates black people, VH1 has been dying to plan a reality show to disprove just that. The leader of the free world living with a houseful of sassy soul sisters – think of the possibilities!”

~TVoD

METROPOLIS – In a shocking press release issued this morning, Superman plans to sue the producers of Heroes for defamation. The Man of Steel alleges that a scene depicted in the popular television show portrayed the act of flying as “schmaltzy and lame”.

“Is this what’s supposed to pass as superhero flight these days?” he asks. “Those fucking teenagers are tearing through the atmosphere without a hint of grace, style, or sophistication. You never saw me up there with a hideous doe-eyed grin on my face, like it’s a ride at Disneyland or something. Fighting crime is hard work, and these pansies are making it look like it’s a goddamned romp in the backseat. It’s disgusting.”

Superman further alleges that West, the soaring juvenile in question, is not even remotely qualified to be considered a “hero”.

“That tool,” Superman spits. “I’ve seen mightier protagonists come out of my ass.” Superman is also gearing up for a potential copyright infringement suit, adding, “If I ever hear him say anything like ‘Up, up, and away!’ – I’m coming after him with a crowbar.”

Neither West nor Claire, his female counterpart, were available for comment. However, Superman does have a word of advice for the regenerative starlet.

“If I were her, I’d hack off that parasite and grow a new boyfriend. There’s no reason a nice girl like her has to pal around with such an obvious dick-for-brains.”

Reports of Superman joining up with Neo of The Matrix fame to file a dual suit are as of yet unconfirmed, though it has been reported that Underdog has expressed interest in the case.

~TVoD