Head keeper let go after boisterous host’s harrowing escape
Mitch Darrow, chief officer in charge of the restraint and containment of Tyra Banks, was terminated last week after the crazed reality show host broke free from her cage and commenced a deadly roam across the American countryside.
“There was very little that I or any other mortal could have done to stop her,” Darrow claims.
It has been reported that Banks was able to gnaw through the titanium alloy enclosure, decapitate several armed guards, and steal a prom dress and a tiara all within the space of twenty-four hours. She then ran amok down the streets of Los Angeles, terrorizing citizens while at the same time delighting tourists.
“She’s so awesome!” exclaimed fifteen-year-old Jennie Powell of Cleveland, Ohio as Banks devoured a power line. “I want to be just like her!”
Darrow alleges that Banks escaped with the intention of hosting the season premiere of Cycle 10 of America’s Next Top Model. Despite Darrow’s heroic attempts to bring down the feral creature with a tranquilizer cannon, National Guard authorities claim that such a responsibility can no longer be entrusted to a mere civilian.
“I spent the better part of my career trying to tame that beast,” Darrow sighs. “And what do I have to show for it? Thirty-seven stitches and a curling iron to the eye. It’s time to move on with my life,” he mutters, adding, “Lohan out of rehab yet?”
~TVoD
Posted in America's Next Top Model on February 26th, 2008 | | 0 Comments
Tyra Banks’ spinoff show a steamy success
Viewers of the popular reality program America’s Next Top Model were surprised to find that a new series had premiered, mid-season, in place of their favorite show. The new series features the contestants from ANTM’s current season, but in a much different capacity. As illustrated on the pilot this past Wednesday, contestants will no longer vie for the title of America’s Next Top Model, but rather America’s Next Top Whore.
“We started out this season of America’s Next Top Model with a lot of fresh ideas and a commitment to take a stand on hot-button issues such as smoking, green living, and healthy body images,” says creator and host Tyra Banks. “But once Enrique Iglesias showed up, we decided that it would be best to throw all that out the window and start from scratch as a competition to see who could be the biggest slut. It’s CAARAAAZY!”
The pilot featured a challenge in which the girls were to appear in racy music video. After a lesson from Tyra Banks on how to maximize smuttiness by salaciously smearing their bodies against a wall and crawling across the floor like drunken prostitutes, the strumpets were ready to move on to the next step. Not by donning more clothes, however. The tramps-in-training were led onto the set of the video, where they were dressed in various shreds of leather that barely constituted actual human clothing and placed in rooms that contained such props as chains and handcuffs. The hopeful top whores were then required to perform erotic dances on camera, and on Iglesias.
“It was a dream come true,” says contestant Ambreal. “I’ve always wanted to gyrate against a pole wearing a dominatrix costume in a bondage porn flick. I think it’s really going to launch my career. Hi Mom!”
The change in format comes as a surprise to many, especially since Tyra Banks often scolds her harlots for posing too “hoochily” at their photo shoots. Surprisingly, Banks even derided Ambreal for that very reason in the pilot. However, producers are now blaming that on an editing gaffe.
“Our mistake. Tyra meant to say that she wasn’t hoochy enough. How weird would it be if, after personally training the trollops on how to obscenely flaunt their naked bodies in various lewd and licentious poses, Tyra were to reprimand them for being sluts? That just wouldn’t make any sense. It would damage the integrity of the show.”
Banks promises more exciting challenges throughout the season. In the weeks to come, the hussies will be required to learn the proper use of a stripper pole, perform lap dances for the International Olympic Committee, and solicit sex in exchange for money.
~TVoD
Posted in America's Next Top Model on November 8th, 2007 | | 1 Comments
New college will allow undergrads to pursue a career in high fashion
NEW HAVEN, CT - Officials at Yale University issued a press release late last night announcing the establishment of a school focused exclusively on the high fashion industry. This announcement comes on the heels of the shocking elimination of Victoria Marshman from the popular reality show, America’s Next Top Model. Marshman, a 20-year-old medieval history major, was previously considered to be a front-runner in the twelve-week modeling competition.
“We don’t want Yale to get the reputation of being a school for uptight snobs and fashion-phobes,” states Richard Appleton, Dean of Students. “There’s so much untapped talent in the student community, we don’t want all of that potential to go to waste. Some of the nation’s best and brightest could also be the fiercest and most fabulous.”
The Meryl Streep College of Modeling and High Fashion, named after the notoriously versatile Yale alumna, will begin accepting students this spring for the class of 2012. Academic programs will focus on the various aspects that students might encounter in the fashion industry. Possible classes will include: Intro to Walking, Quantum Posing Physics, Multivariable Calculus for Eye Shadow Placement, and Dolce and Gabana in Contemporary Russian Literature.
“We want to give these students the opportunity to really explore the field of high fashion, while at the same time provide an education that can only be found at one of the nation’s top universities,” states Diane Hartung, Professor of Vogueology. “We want Yale graduates to be comfortable not only on the Senate floor or in the International Space Station, but also on the runway.”
Students are generally in favor of the addition, though some have voiced concerns over the need for such an institution.
“Modeling is a shallow, empty profession,” states Evan Morris, a senior. “It has no redeeming qualities or values, nor does it contribute anything to today’s modern society as a whole. It’s a joke.” Morris is a double major in Philosophy and Ancient Babylonian Art History.
~TVoD
Posted in America's Next Top Model on October 11th, 2007 | | 0 Comments