Decapitated craniums must now be sent through the United States Postal Service

ATLANTA, GA - Following reports of the transport and delivery of several severed human heads, UPS has developed a firm but fair policy intended to take the bloody and disturbing remains out of their pipeline and put them back into the hands of the federal government.

“We thought we had a handle on this,” said UPS Director of Publicity Lance Caldwell. “But it has become increasingly clear that we are in a little over our heads.”

The new policy is the indirect result of a complaint filed by Lincoln Burrows, who received a not-so-pleasant surprise while on vacation in Panama City, Panama.

“LINC NO LIKE HEAD BOX!” was the report, in its entirety.

Officials traced the offending parcel back to a woman who would only refer to herself as Susan B. Anthony.

“UPS was always my preferred carrier for body-part-related packages,” she explains. “The website was easy to use, their customer service representatives were friendly and attentive, and their sturdy cardboard boxes were always great at containing the vast quantities of blood. I’m saddened by their new policy, but I understand the sort of liability that can go along with these types of deliveries.”

UPS dealt with a similar situation after the head of a California detective’s wife was improperly delivered to a desert in the middle of nowhere, instead of directly to the detective’s home. Though this led to the death of an unnamed mass murder, police say that had the package arrived at its intended destination, repackaging fees could have been avoided.

~TVoD

Posted in Prison Break on October 7th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Woman shows up unannounced to examine other people’s problems

SEATTLE, WA - Jane Burke, mother of renowned cardio-thorasic surgeon Dr. Preston Burke, visited Seattle Grace Hospital last Thursday hoping to speak with Dr. Christina Yang about her fiancé’s sudden departure and the return of a priceless diamond necklace. Instead, she was ruthlessly assaulted by a barrage of Preston’s former colleagues, all of whom are reported to be emotionally unstable and badly in need of an impartial listener to analyze their woes.

“Oh, Mrs. Burke is amazing,” wept Dr. George O’Malley. “I rambled on and on about the dissolution of Burke and Christina’s engagement, but as it turns out I was just exploring the details of my own loveless marriage! She’s a godsend!”

Witnesses say Mrs. Burke tried to leave the scene several times, but each escape attempt was thwarted by yet another beleaguered surgeon popping up to lament his or her precarious love life in the guise of a conversation about her son.

“I couldn’t stop talking to her about Burke,” claims Dr. Derek Shepherd. “The intricate analysis of our friendship really brought home the fact that I can’t stop thinking about banging Meredith Grey.” He smiles and looks up at the sky. “Thank you, Mrs. Burke, wherever you are!”

Mrs. Burke can in fact be found at Joe’s Bar across the street, downing her third shot of Jim Beam. “I just wanted to read my damn People magazine in peace,” she sighs. “Those doctors are seriously fucked up.”

~TVoD

Posted in Grey's Anatomy on October 7th, 2007 | | 1 Comments

Jean-Robert’s unconventional proposal whole-heartedly endorsed by producers

JIANGXI, CHINA - At the suggestion of Survivor contestant Jean-Robert, producers of the hit CBS show will now be giving away a new grand prize to the game’s victor. Prior to this season, the winner of the popular reality program received $1 million and a free car. Starting with the finale of Survivor:China, the winner will now receive $1 million and a free prostitute.

“A million dollars after taxes ends up being not much at all,” contestant James states. “But a free prostitute - that’s the gift that keeps on giving.”

The winner may specify the gender of the prostitute, but minor details, such as hair color, weight, or special acrobatic abilities, will be determined at the discretion of the producers. Furthermore, since the grand prize clearly stipulates that the winner only receive “some” ass, the prostitute will only be available to the winner for a period of six months.

“That’s still better than a car,” Jean-Robert, the idea factory behind the change, states. “I already have three cars. But I only have two STDs, and I’d like to see that figure improve.”

Producers originally planned to just call up an escort service to find the grand prize, but are now considering pitching a reality show that will chronicle the search for the lucky whore or man whore.

~TVoD

Posted in Survivor on October 2nd, 2007 | | 0 Comments

« Previous Page