China, apparently, is exactly how everyone imagines it to be
This week’s episode of Survivor confirmed to American audiences that China is in no way misrepresented through the media or any other cultural stereotypes. The typical, standard images associated with the Red Giant have once and for all been certified as authentic.
“I had thought that China was all chopsticks and giant woks and fireworks,” claims area gas station attendant Rick Archer after viewing a Survivor challenge featuring chopsticks, giant woks, and fireworks. “Turns out, I was right!”
In addition to traditional New Year’s festivities and giant comical eating utensils, Survivor also features cut-away shots of adorable animals typically associated with China. Pandas, monkeys, exotic birds, even praying mantises - all make frequent appearances on the weekly reality show.
“I had always wanted to plan a trip to China to see the stunning land and beautiful people for myself,” says area retiree Annette Fairweather. “But now that I know all of my prior expectations are accurate, I don’t see the need!”
Due to favorable American reviews, Survivor producers plan to continue the trend. Upcoming episodes will include even more blatant yet completely accurate cultural features, such as a Fortune Cookie Immunity Idol, and a Reward Challenge wherein contestants must bind each other’s feet.
~TVoD
Posted in Survivor on October 15th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Marketability of lovable curmudgeons discovered on Grey’s Anatomy
LONG ISLAND, NY - A typical Saturday morning at Shady Pines Retirement Home usually consists of long naps and quiet walks in the yard, the serenity punctuated only by the occasional shout of “Bingo!” echoing from within the prison-like walls. Not so this weekend, as lines wound out the door and around the block, packed with eager Christmas shoppers hoping to get their hands on a Really Old Guy.
“I saw one on Grey’s Anatomy the other night, and immediately knew I just had to get one for my daughter!” exclaimed local homemaker Shelly Patterson. “He was so surly and crotchety, yet the laughs kept on coming! He would be a wonderful addition to any home.”
Employees at Shady Pines say that the home is normally a ghost town, but this weekend’s attendance figures have been nothing short of astounding. Over two hundred enthusiastic bargain-hunters clogged the halls, cafeteria, and even the arts and crafts room, hoping to nab a cantankerous old coot. Shoppers employed a variety of methods to secure their purchases, including the distribution of Werther’s Original Butterscotch Candies, guarantees of unlimited The Price Is Right viewings, and (false) promises of immortality.
“We’re not going to let this little treasure get away!” states area insurance agent Frank Cameron, toting away a hissing Really Old Guy in an animal crate. “He hopped in as soon as I told him all about the deluxe shuffleboard court in my backyard!” He pats the case. “Lies,” he whispers with a wink.
Eagle-eyed entrepreneurs have already begun to take advantage of this red-hot trend - online. Geriatric retail websites are popping up all over the internet, some even offering customized items. For an additional fee, your very own Really Old Guy can arrive in 48 hours or less, complete with your choice of a mobility scooter, colostomy bag, or Extra Crankiness.
Posted in Grey's Anatomy on October 13th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
According to Pushing Daisies, bulimia sufferers are colorful and endearing
UNNAMED TOWN - Jeannine seems to have it all - a doting lover, a fulfilling job, and a stunning figure. However, behind that bright and perky facade lies a deadly secret: Jeannine is bulimic.
Fortunately, bulimia is no longer the devastating disease forewarned by countless guidance counselors and gym teachers. Today’s victims are charming, quirky, and digitally altered for maximum color saturation.
“I was beginning to think that I might have a problem,” area teenager Ashley Warren states. “But then I saw Jeannine and realized that bulimia is nothing that a wink of the eye and a snappy comeback can’t fix!”
Public health officials are highly in favor of the new image. Diane Hays of the National Eating Disorders Association warmly welcomes the change, claiming that it’s about time these lethal syndromes got a makeover.
“Your stereotypical bulimic is so pouty and glum,” she states. “I say, let’s turn that glum into glam! Just because you spend hours in the bathroom regurgitating everything you’ve eaten in the past six hours doesn’t mean you can’t look fabulous while doing so!”
In addition to plans to revamp the face of bulimia, the National Eating Disorders Association is also in negotiations with more delightfully eccentric television programs to showcase other previously frowned-upon diseases. Lost may soon see an appearance by an anorexic smoke monster, and American Idol is planning a theme night for next season titled “An Ode To Binge Eating,” complete with dancing turkey legs and pork rind confetti.
~TVoD
Posted in Pushing Daisies on October 13th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Popular chick flick linked to an increase in homicide rates
FAYETTEVILLE, AR - Sociologists at the University of Arkansas released a stunning report last Friday detailing the surprising and horrifying impact of the 1991 film Fried Green Tomatoes upon the human subconscious. A study conducted last July shows that 50% of people who view the touching tale of love, loss, and redemption suddenly become maniacally violent and display aspects of homicidal rage for up to thirty minutes after the initial viewing.
“These are troubling figures,” says Dr. Roy Fossett. “We haven’t seen this kind of carnage since the Driving Miss Daisy Bloodbath of ‘89.”
One such example of this increasingly disturbing trend is the murder of an as-of-yet-unidentified man outside a grocery store in Dillon, Texas. All signs are pointing to two young teenagers who are believed to have been watching the heartwarming story featuring the triumph of the human spirit about twenty minutes before the murder.
“My guess is these two sick kids were so enraged by the loving friendship between Idgie and Ruth that they had no choice but to go out and beat an unarmed man to death with a lead pipe and dispose of the body in a river,” states Dillon Police Chief Bob Fuchs. “It’s just that inspiring.”
The CDC is pushing for a warning label to be placed on all copies of the offending movie, as well as a toll free number for viewers to call should they begin to feel the bloodlust rising.
~TVoD
Posted in Friday Night Lights on October 11th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
New college will allow undergrads to pursue a career in high fashion
NEW HAVEN, CT - Officials at Yale University issued a press release late last night announcing the establishment of a school focused exclusively on the high fashion industry. This announcement comes on the heels of the shocking elimination of Victoria Marshman from the popular reality show, America’s Next Top Model. Marshman, a 20-year-old medieval history major, was previously considered to be a front-runner in the twelve-week modeling competition.
“We don’t want Yale to get the reputation of being a school for uptight snobs and fashion-phobes,” states Richard Appleton, Dean of Students. “There’s so much untapped talent in the student community, we don’t want all of that potential to go to waste. Some of the nation’s best and brightest could also be the fiercest and most fabulous.”
The Meryl Streep College of Modeling and High Fashion, named after the notoriously versatile Yale alumna, will begin accepting students this spring for the class of 2012. Academic programs will focus on the various aspects that students might encounter in the fashion industry. Possible classes will include: Intro to Walking, Quantum Posing Physics, Multivariable Calculus for Eye Shadow Placement, and Dolce and Gabana in Contemporary Russian Literature.
“We want to give these students the opportunity to really explore the field of high fashion, while at the same time provide an education that can only be found at one of the nation’s top universities,” states Diane Hartung, Professor of Vogueology. “We want Yale graduates to be comfortable not only on the Senate floor or in the International Space Station, but also on the runway.”
Students are generally in favor of the addition, though some have voiced concerns over the need for such an institution.
“Modeling is a shallow, empty profession,” states Evan Morris, a senior. “It has no redeeming qualities or values, nor does it contribute anything to today’s modern society as a whole. It’s a joke.” Morris is a double major in Philosophy and Ancient Babylonian Art History.
~TVoD
Posted in America's Next Top Model on October 11th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
Claims this week’s flying sequence “sucks big fat monkey balls”
METROPOLIS - In a shocking press release issued this morning, Superman plans to sue the producers of Heroes for defamation. The Man of Steel alleges that a scene depicted in the popular television show portrayed the act of flying as “schmaltzy and lame”.
“Is this what’s supposed to pass as superhero flight these days?” he asks. “Those fucking teenagers are tearing through the atmosphere without a hint of grace, style, or sophistication. You never saw me up there with a hideous doe-eyed grin on my face, like it’s a ride at Disneyland or something. Fighting crime is hard work, and these pansies are making it look like it’s a goddamned romp in the backseat. It’s disgusting.”
Superman further alleges that West, the soaring juvenile in question, is not even remotely qualified to be considered a “hero”.
“That tool,” Superman spits. “I’ve seen mightier protagonists come out of my ass.” Superman is also gearing up for a potential copyright infringement suit, adding, “If I ever hear him say anything like ‘Up, up, and away!’ - I’m coming after him with a crowbar.”
Neither West nor Claire, his female counterpart, were available for comment. However, Superman does have a word of advice for the regenerative starlet.
“If I were her, I’d hack off that parasite and grow a new boyfriend. There’s no reason a nice girl like her has to pal around with such an obvious dick-for-brains.”
Reports of Superman joining up with Neo of The Matrix fame to file a dual suit are as of yet unconfirmed, though it has been reported that Underdog has expressed interest in the case.
~TVoD
Posted in Heroes on October 8th, 2007 | | 0 Comments
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