Rainclouds convey sense of depression, wetness

SEATTLE, WA - A cancer-ridden teenager decides to give up after a long fight. An on-again, off-again relationship comes to a final close (maybe). A marriage ends, leaving nothing but pain and misery. And all the while, angry, dark shadows move menacingly across the sky, finally bursting forth in a melancholy deluge. Of…tears?

Producers of the hit ABC whine-fest Grey’s Anatomy used a thunderstorm last week to illustrate the emotional states of the characters, putting to rest once and for all rumors that everything is happy and sunny at Seattle Grace Hospital.

“There’s a lot of drama going on here,” says writer Paul Riley. “And we really needed a way to convey that. After countless hours in that writer’s room, we finally came up with the perfect meteorological phenomenon to represent that all that powerful passion. It was pretty amazing.”

Riley goes on to claim that this is the first time ever in the history of television that a thunderstorm has been used to symbolize misery. “See, the dark clouds mean that people are feeling pretty grumpy,” he explains further. “And the thunder and lightning - that means that there’s a lot of anxiety and turbulence going on inside. And the rain - well, it sounds a little crazy, but when you think about it, really think about it, precipitation looks a lot like human tears. So what we did there at the very end, when George approaches Callie and she’s just standing out there in the rain - that’s just a big metaphor for her sorrow. Her ’saditude’, if you will.”

Due to the success of the thunderstorm breakthrough, writers are already planning to include more weather-related symbolism, including an earthquake to illustrate the bumpy relationship between the Grey sisters, a drought to denote McSteamy’s current sex life, and a blizzard to represent the harsh, frigid womb of Dr. Christina Yang.

~TVoD

Posted in Grey's Anatomy on October 24th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Miraculous sighting takes place in China

Survivor contestants were treated to a rare occurrence this past Thursday with a brief but definite sighting of a virgin. Witnesses say that it emerged from the depths of a shallow pool to converse with the locals, then disappeared just as quickly.

“I was totally shocked,” says Survivor contestant Jamie. “I’ve heard stories, of course, but no one ever really believes them to be true.”

Scientists say that the virgin has curly brown hair and a boyishly charming smile. Producers of the hit reality show claim that the virgin is actually a contestant named Erik who belongs to the Zhan Hu tribe, but none of the other contestants on either team have ever seen or heard of him.

“I hope he comes back,” says Jamie. “I’m sure I can manipulate his virginity in some way or another. Plus, he’s kind of cute.”

“I think it’s good for the show,” says host Jeff Probst. “We’ve never had a virgin before. It’ll be interesting to see if the sluts and sleazebags merely shun him, or slaughter him as a bloody sacrifice to the gods of the mountain. Either way, it sure is great television.”

~TVoD

Posted in Survivor on October 24th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Unpopular character destroys all affinity for the previously celebrated fruit

Olive Snook, the shrill, unbearable, scene-killing pie waitress from the hit series Pushing Daisies has singlehandedly eliminated all love for the famous martini garnish simply by sharing the same name. Olives had enjoyed a long run as a delicious addition to any gin- or vodka-based drink, but by pure association have now become complete annoyances and unwanted irritants.

“Sales are down,” complains area bar owner Al Murray. “I used to make the dirtiest martinis in town. Now, thanks to that screeching trollop, I got nothing. Nothing but folks complaining that they’d rather not ingest something that reminds them of nails on a chalkboard.”

The sudden hatred couldn’t come at a worse time for cocktail garnishes, many of which already suffer from negative connotations. Lemons often make people think of defective cars. Mint reminds fiscally-minded drinkers of the terrible state of the American economy. And salt could even mean death, for those among the slug population.

Olive farmers are launching a campaign to lure people back to the fruit, but, according to Pushing Daisies fans, it’s going to be a tough row to hoe.

“I can’t even cook with olive oil anymore,” weeps local Italian restaurant owner Maria Giacomo, “every time I pick up the bottle, all I can hear inside my head is a relentless barrage of excruciatingly nasal sniveling! When will it end? When will it end??”

~TVoD

Posted in Pushing Daisies on October 23rd, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Previously unpopular storm makes a comeback in the 2007 fall season

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Hurricane Katrina, the catastrophic 2005 storm that wreaked havoc on the entire Gulf Coast and caused almost 2,000 fatalities, turns out to have been a blessing in disguise for the American television industry. Writers have eagerly pounced upon the disaster, utilizing it as a plotline almost as often as surprise pregnancies and missing nuclear bombs.

One prime example is the gritty crime drama K-Ville, which chronicles the daily lives of cops living in post-Katrina New Orleans. Heroes has supplied another notable instance with the introduction of the Dawson family, a small but optimistic clan of survivors who have lost everything and are desperately depending on the sole breadwinner, an ambitious and mysteriously gifted girl named Monica, to grant them a better life.

“We didn’t want it to get too preachy,” states Heroes writer Sean Ericson. “So we limited the Katrina-strife dialogue to only 40% of the episode.”

With Katrina survivors making the rounds on other popular television programs such as House and Extreme Home Makeover (no affiliation), it looks like this trend is here to stay. Other shows are already trying to squeeze Katrina characters into as many plotlines as they can, no matter how illogical the fit.

“Word on the street is that a New Orleans jazz man, having been swept out to sea in the hurricane, is going to wash up on the shores of the island during the season premiere of Lost.” claims television gossip columnist Anita Kanigan. “I also heard that a bedraggled family of refugees will somehow end up on the main deck of Battlestar Galactica. Plus, ever since Kanye West claimed that George Bush hates black people, VH1 has been dying to plan a reality show to disprove just that. The leader of the free world living with a houseful of sassy soul sisters - think of the possibilities!”

~TVoD

Posted in Heroes on October 17th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Ugly people need not apply to the CIA, NSA, FBI, or any other federal agency

LANGLEY, VA - As illustrated in the new NBC series Chuck, more and more government jobs are going to drop-dead gorgeous women with shapely bodies, obscenely long legs, and shampoo-commercial-quality hair, rather than being given to more qualified but possibly more unslightly candidates. Such recruitments are being made without regard to skill, ability, intelligence, or any other aspect that might pertain to the actual job at hand.

“These ladies have scored in the 37th percentile or higher on their government tests, have degrees from countless cosmetology schools, and can speak at least two languages, provided one of those languages is English and the other is Pig Latin,” says an anonymous CIA employee. “We’re extremely picky about who we send out into the field.” Another unnamed recruiter states, “Of course we want the job of keeping Americans safe to go to the best and the brightest. But we don’t want any swamp creatures running around out there either. We’re representing the United States of America - we want to look good.”

In addition, fewer and fewer men are being recruited for top positions within these federal agencies. This is due not to a lack of qualified candidates, but rather to the presence of male genitalia.

“I was first in my class at Harvard, I speak fluent Arabic, and I built a homemade supercomputer out of a shoe and some paper clips,” states CIA washout Arthur Hayden. “But the job went to that cute girl from the Doritos commercials.”

Federal officials stand by their decisions, maintaining that they choose only the most qualified from the pool of applicants and that physical appearance has never been a factor in hiring practices. However, due to the allegedly large amount of all-female hand-to-hand combat that is prone to erupt in the field, this is widely believed to be untrue.

“It’s nice to have spies that are smart and all,” says the anonymous CIA spokesman, “but you should see these ladies kick.”

~TVoD

Posted in Chuck on October 17th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

Notoriously heroic Secret Service agent spotted at local high school football practice

DILLON, TX - Former Special Agent Aaron Pierce, an indispensable asset to the presidencies of David Palmer, John Keeler, and Charles Logan, is now believed to be working undercover as a local policeman in the small town of Dillon, Texas. Pierce was last reported to be living with former First Lady Martha Logan at her bungalow in California.

“He appears to be posing both as a law enforcement officer and also as the father of one of the high school football players,” says Shirley Harman, a local news reporter. “He highly resembles the boy, and so far it seems to be a good fit.”

No word yet on the outcome of the relationship with the emotionally imbalanced former First Lady, thought it can be reasonably assumed that it ended in tragedy, or, at the very least, multiple stab wounds.

Pierce’s appearance has led some to believe that Dillon may be in some sort of potential danger, though experts close to the situation have suggested that his presence is merely a precaution.

“I don’t foresee any major problems or catastrophes taking place in Dillon,” says police chief Bob Fuchs. “We’re a quiet little town. Hardly anything ever happens here - in fact, we have one of the lowest murder rates in all of Texas. All Pierce needs to do is keep an eye on his boy and do his job, that’s all we ask.”

“However, should the need arise to evacuate the townspeople or thwart an assassination attempt or covertly bring down a treasonous President from the inside, we know we’ll be covered.”

~TVoD

Posted in 24, Friday Night Lights on October 17th, 2007 | | 0 Comments

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