Ugly people need not apply to the CIA, NSA, FBI, or any other federal agency
LANGLEY, VA - As illustrated in the new NBC series Chuck, more and more government jobs are going to drop-dead gorgeous women with shapely bodies, obscenely long legs, and shampoo-commercial-quality hair, rather than being given to more qualified but possibly more unslightly candidates. Such recruitments are being made without regard to skill, ability, intelligence, or any other aspect that might pertain to the actual job at hand.
“These ladies have scored in the 37th percentile or higher on their government tests, have degrees from countless cosmetology schools, and can speak at least two languages, provided one of those languages is English and the other is Pig Latin,” says an anonymous CIA employee. “We’re extremely picky about who we send out into the field.” Another unnamed recruiter states, “Of course we want the job of keeping Americans safe to go to the best and the brightest. But we don’t want any swamp creatures running around out there either. We’re representing the United States of America - we want to look good.”
In addition, fewer and fewer men are being recruited for top positions within these federal agencies. This is due not to a lack of qualified candidates, but rather to the presence of male genitalia.
“I was first in my class at Harvard, I speak fluent Arabic, and I built a homemade supercomputer out of a shoe and some paper clips,” states CIA washout Arthur Hayden. “But the job went to that cute girl from the Doritos commercials.”
Federal officials stand by their decisions, maintaining that they choose only the most qualified from the pool of applicants and that physical appearance has never been a factor in hiring practices. However, due to the allegedly large amount of all-female hand-to-hand combat that is prone to erupt in the field, this is widely believed to be untrue.
“It’s nice to have spies that are smart and all,” says the anonymous CIA spokesman, “but you should see these ladies kick.”
~TVoD
Posted in Chuck on October 17th, 2007 | |