Decapitated craniums must now be sent through the United States Postal Service
ATLANTA, GA - Following reports of the transport and delivery of several severed human heads, UPS has developed a firm but fair policy intended to take the bloody and disturbing remains out of their pipeline and put them back into the hands of the federal government.
“We thought we had a handle on this,” said UPS Director of Publicity Lance Caldwell. “But it has become increasingly clear that we are in a little over our heads.”
The new policy is the indirect result of a complaint filed by Lincoln Burrows, who received a not-so-pleasant surprise while on vacation in Panama City, Panama.
“LINC NO LIKE HEAD BOX!” was the report, in its entirety.
Officials traced the offending parcel back to a woman who would only refer to herself as Susan B. Anthony.
“UPS was always my preferred carrier for body-part-related packages,” she explains. “The website was easy to use, their customer service representatives were friendly and attentive, and their sturdy cardboard boxes were always great at containing the vast quantities of blood. I’m saddened by their new policy, but I understand the sort of liability that can go along with these types of deliveries.”
UPS dealt with a similar situation after the head of a California detective’s wife was improperly delivered to a desert in the middle of nowhere, instead of directly to the detective’s home. Though this led to the death of an unnamed mass murder, police say that had the package arrived at its intended destination, repackaging fees could have been avoided.
~TVoD
Posted in Prison Break on October 7th, 2007 | |