Quota reached

The word “fierce,” (adj. 1. of a violently cruel nature; savage; wild) was retired from the English language last night after Christian Siriano, winner of Project Runway 4, used it approximately 6,284 times, thereby exceeding the limit and prompting its retraction.

“Our studies show that ‘fierce’ has been spoken with more frequency than perennial favorites ‘a’, ‘the’, and ‘fabulous,’” says Noah Webster, of dictionary fame. “With 70% of such utterances verbalized by Siriano and Tyra Banks alone.”

Many object to the ruling, believing that the word has not been given an ample chance to express its true meaning.

“Let’s face it: I’M fierce,” says dominant male lion Duke, of the San Diego Zoo. “I’ve escaped three times, killed five men with my bare paws, and eviscerated a small child.”

“If that’s not fierce, I don’t know what is,” he adds. “Silken ruffles, my ass.”

~TVoD

Posted in Project Runway on March 6th, 2008 | | 0 Comments

Labyrinthine show finally clarifies a single storyline

Viewers of the popular television show Lost were shocked after last week’s episode, wherein a major part of the plot was clearly and explicitly explained in a way that anyone could understand, even fair-weather fans have who have never played the online Lost alternate reality game or spent countless hours deciphering jumbled audio tracks.

“I watch Lost every week, and I always thought there might be some sort of time-travel thing going on,” says loyal viewer Dan Brenner. “But I never thought they’d just come right out and admit to it like that, let alone explain it thoroughly, complete with lab-rat-in-a-maze examples.”

Lost is known for its convoluted plotlines, obscure references, and ability to leave entire audiences scratching their heads, sometimes for years at a time.

“Remember that four-toed statue thing?” Brenner continues. “What the hell was that all about?”

This groundbreaking development has led many to speculate that Lost will begin to clear up other mysterious elements, though others believe that such a frank explanation is a one-time-deal.

“They’re never going to resolve that smoke monster,” says Brenner. “Ben doesn’t even know what it is.”

Despite such frustration, Brenner claims to remain firmly committed to the show. “I’ve briefly considered going back to school and getting my Ph.D., if only to decipher the various philosophical implications of the island,” he says. “I can’t just rely on the message boards and Wikipedia nerds forever.”

~TVoD

Posted in Lost on March 5th, 2008 | | 1 Comments

AETP outraged at usage of human hair

Human rights organization AETP took to the streets today after last night’s controversial Project Runway airing. The episode, part one of the two-part season finale, featured flamboyant designer Chris March showcasing his collection, which included several pieces utilizing human hair as trim.

“This is unacceptable,” stated Sparky Tubbington, AETP’s spokespug. “Humans are friendly, loving, innocent creatures who don’t deserve this kind of sick abuse.”

AETP has officially vowed to boycott Project Runway and the entire Bravo network until it issues a formal apology.

“By allowing Chris March to express himself creatively, Bravo and Project Runway are condoning these deplorable practices,” claims Sparky. “We need to speak up for the humans who can’t speak for themselves.” Sparky then declined further comment by licking his testicles.

AETP picketed in various locations around New York City, most notably outside the Parsons School of Design and throughout the Fashion District. Protesters carried signs and chanted slogans all day long, except for a period of about twenty minutes wherein the group collectively chased a squirrel down the street. They vow to continue the campaign again tomorrow after a brisk walk and a healthy poop.

~TVoD

Posted in Project Runway on February 28th, 2008 | | 0 Comments

Rival tribe just too creepy

A visibly frustrated Mark Burnett lamented the challenge of painting the “Fans” tribe of this year’s Survivor season in favorable light last week after more douchebaggery abounded amongst the squabbling contestants.

“They’re just really annoying,” Burnett whines. “And ugly,” he shudders. “So very, very ugly.”

The reality pioneer was angered further when the Airai tribe won immunity this week, as this meant that none of the hideous members would be forced to leave.

“Dammit!” he cried when hearing of the results. “Couldn’t Probst have thrown a coconut at one of them? ‘Accidentally’ tear an ACL or two?”

The Airai tribe is made of ardent enthusiasts of the show, proving the theory that true Survivor fanatics really are as troll-like as most people imagine.

“I thought this might be a fun idea,” Burnett says, rubbing his eyes. “But for once, I guess I was wrong.”

“Oh, well,” he adds, driving away in a cement truck full of money, “They can’t all be winners.”

~TVoD

Posted in Survivor on February 26th, 2008 | | 0 Comments

Head keeper let go after boisterous host’s harrowing escape

Mitch Darrow, chief officer in charge of the restraint and containment of Tyra Banks, was terminated last week after the crazed reality show host broke free from her cage and commenced a deadly roam across the American countryside.

“There was very little that I or any other mortal could have done to stop her,” Darrow claims.

It has been reported that Banks was able to gnaw through the titanium alloy enclosure, decapitate several armed guards, and steal a prom dress and a tiara all within the space of twenty-four hours. She then ran amok down the streets of Los Angeles, terrorizing citizens while at the same time delighting tourists.

“She’s so awesome!” exclaimed fifteen-year-old Jennie Powell of Cleveland, Ohio as Banks devoured a power line. “I want to be just like her!”

Darrow alleges that Banks escaped with the intention of hosting the season premiere of Cycle 10 of America’s Next Top Model. Despite Darrow’s heroic attempts to bring down the feral creature with a tranquilizer cannon, National Guard authorities claim that such a responsibility can no longer be entrusted to a mere civilian.

“I spent the better part of my career trying to tame that beast,” Darrow sighs. “And what do I have to show for it? Thirty-seven stitches and a curling iron to the eye. It’s time to move on with my life,” he mutters, adding, “Lohan out of rehab yet?”

~TVoD

Posted in America's Next Top Model on February 26th, 2008 | | 0 Comments

Was, ironically, really craving a hot dog

Playboy founder and media mogul Hugh Heftner was deeply hurt by Celebrity Apprentice candidate Tiffany Fallon’s failure to call him in her time of need. While other celebrities contacted their richest acquaintances to donate money for charity in the guise of purchasing hot dogs, Tiffany neglected to get Hefner on the horn.

“I’m a delight!” he claims. “Why didn’t she call?”

Tiffany insisted that she had every intention of calling upon Hefner to help, but that she wanted to save that call for later on in the game.

“Oh, bullshit,” he says. “She thinks I’m old and crusty. Is that it? It’s this robe I never take off, isn’t it? What does this stain look like to you?”

Tiffany has publicly apologized to Hefner, but he refuses to accept, saying that he no longer considers her a friend.

“I thought that the naked women I pay to take their clothes off and pose nude for nationwide publications liked me for me. But I guess not,” he sobs. “That harlot! She’ll never work in this town again!”

“I really wanted a hot dog, too,” he hiccups.

~TVoD

Posted in Celebrity Apprentice on January 8th, 2008 | | 0 Comments